


lay my body down

by rebellamy



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angsty angsty angst, M/M, and i have feelings about his feelings, my vampire son has a lot of feelings, this was rushed but oh well
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-16
Updated: 2016-06-16
Packaged: 2018-07-15 10:02:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7218058
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rebellamy/pseuds/rebellamy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>did someone order an angsty analysis of when Raphael probably found Simon’s body from Raph’s pov? Well you bet your ass you’re getting one.</p>
            </blockquote>





	lay my body down

Raphael had never imagined he’d be here.

 

Growing up, he had imagined eternity differently. It was waiting for his mother to finish cooking dinner for him and his siblings. It was waiting on his father to come home from work. It was waiting on a lot of things that seemed to take forever. He wished he could have the luxury of annoyance when it came to things taking too long. None of that mattered now. He had all the time in the world.

 

Never, when he was you younger, had he imagined that he would die. He was immortal, ageless, wild and free. His bones could not be broken and his spirit could not be tamed. He was alive and limitless all at once. He wished he could go back and warn himself that eternity was a long time to live, and that being immortal didn't make him alive. It made him empty.

 

When he met Simon, he saw all the things he used to be. His biggest worry was his heart being broken and he was untouched. Mundane. Everything Raphael wished he could still be.

 

Wrought with jealousy, he pushed him away. Because he knew if he didn't, Simon would suffer the same eternal fate. He would never get to grow old the way Raphael had wanted. He would never get to enjoy the sun hitting his face, or indulge in the sweet pleasures of just simply living.

 

But Camille had already cast her spell, and Simon always trailed back to where they started, seeking answers. Raphael felt bad for being so cruel, but it was the only way he knew how to warn him that if he didn't stay away, bad things would happen.

 

So he pushed and he pushed and he pushed.

 

But it wasn't enough.

 

He found Simon laying lifeless on the floor of DuMort, no Camille in sight.

 

He wished he could cry. That his body could still produce tears. His heart did not ache, because it did not beat, but it was broken for the other boy.

 

“I never wanted this to happen to you,” he confessed, leaning over Simon’s empty shell.

 

He found Simon’s glasses discarded beside his head, and slid them over his nose, over his closed eyes. Although, he knew perfectly well that he would no longer need them.

 

He pushed his hair away from his cold forehead, letting out a sigh. A breath for the dead. For Simon who couldn't, and for Raphael who didn't need to.

 

“I tried to make you stay away,” he grumbled, almost angrily. His knees were digging into the floor beneath him, and he wished he could remember pain. “I shouldn't have ever brought you here, Mundane.”

 

Even in death, he couldn't say his name. Not right now. Not right away. Because he still could be human. He could be sleeping. He could be counting the seconds it took him to hold his breath before he needed to gasp for air.

 

But he wasn’t. Raphael knew this.

 

He would turn, or he would die.

 

He could pretend it wasn’t true all he wanted, but it couldn't be up to him to decide.

 

He carried the other boy in his arms. He had once wondered what it might feel like to hold him close. It was in passing, but he had thought about it. He imagined Simon’s heart beating in place of his own and his breath on his neck where his veins had run cold.

 

But this, this couldn't come close. Because as hard as he wished, as much as he had tried, Simon ended up just like him. Cold and lifeless. Empty and eternal.

 

He brought him to the Fairchild girl and her shadowhunter friends. He knew that simon cared for her, and thought that she would be the right person to decide his fate.

 

Clary immediately hands him the blame. And he feels like she's justified. Had he never kidnapped Simon for Camille he wouldn't be here now. There was no denying the truth to his fault.

 

“I never wanted this to happen.” The familiarity tasted terrible. The words he’d carefully whispered to Simon probably only hours after he drew his last breaths didn’t feel quite right when he spoke them to someone else.

 

He laid out the options for her. Either steak his heart and kill him, or bury him before sun up and complete the transition.

 

He only hoped she would kill him. He hoped she wouldn't be selfish enough to make him suffer the way Raphael had been for years. Losing him would be hard for her, he could see, but bringing him back would be harder for Simon.

 

After some thought, Clary had decided to take the later of her two options: bury him six feet under the ground and hope he emerges turned.

 

Simon comes back hungry. Raphael had come prepared.

 

“I'll look after Simon,” he tells Clary, after Simon took off. “You have my word.”

 

He had anticipated the shock. And even the anger. He knew, because it had happened to him. He had felt what simon was feeling once, many moons ago.

 

“You did this to me!”

 

Raphael tried not to let it sting. It could have stopped this. If he had just tried harder to protect him from this. If he had succeeded in keeping him away.

 

“I didn't,” he seethed in reply. _I could never have done this to you._

 

“You're a monster. I'm- I’m a monster...”

 

He wants to tell him that he's not. That he could never be. That he could hold on to that person he used to be when he was alive  and carry it with him.

 

Raphael was never good at lying.

 

All he could do was be there. Even if Simon didn’t want him to be. He tried to protect him once and failed. The least he could do is help him get through this. He shouldn't have to suffer alone.

 

Now neither of them had to.

 

They had forever to figure it out.

  



End file.
